Between a cock and a lard place

Swimming should be banned if you are over a certain girth, or a knob.

I refer, of course, to my latest swim (one of 3 this week). I was in the outside lane, tricky at the best of times due to the waves from other swimmers bouncing off the walls. In the next lane was Alpha Male, ploughing his furrow in a metronomic, but huge wave-inducing way. I was looking for the sticker on the back of his balding pate saying ‘Actually, I do own the pool.’

So imagine my horror when at the end of length 3 I turn round to see the bastard child of Rik Waller and Mr Blobby pushing off in my lane. Jesus, talk about a bow wave! As we crossed (not at half way as you might expect, but some way towards his end of the pool, despite me being Captain Slow) he didn’t make an effort to get out of the way, meaning I had to virtually swim into the path of Alpha Male to avoid death by whale.

He’s trying to make an effort like me, so I can’t fault him for that, but maybe he should have made a start by cutting out balti pies and swiss rolls first.

It was the hardest swim of my short pool career, and now I know what it’s like for those poor souls who swim the channel and deal with waves, foreign bodies etc.

And as for the cock doing a million lengths a minute. Please fuck off.